Post by 80sCommish on Apr 26, 2013 21:45:43 GMT -5
Good evening and welcome to TSN's ongoing coverage of That 80s League hockey...I'm A.J. Clemente...Art...fucking shit, I can't pronounce his name...Vandelay is off tonight. Let's get right to the fucking action...
...The Devils broke in to the win column with a 4-3 win over the Bruins. The Devils raced out to a 4-0 lead less than six minutes into the second period before the Bruins woke up and realized the fucking game started. Tony Tanti had two third period goals for the Bruins but it wasn't enough. Chris...how the fuck do you pronounce this shit...Terreri, had 26 saves in the win while Bill Ranford had 26 stops in the loss. Andy Moog, get off the blow and back on the fucking ice...
...Montreal got their first win by beating the Rangers 6-5 at Madison Square Garden. Chris Chelios scored twice for Montreal, including the game winner at 17:47 of the third period. Adam Oates scored twice for the Rangers in the loss. What the hell is this shit...Ramen Noodles...I mean Raimo Helminen had two goals for the Rangers too...Montreal fired 36 shots on net compared to 27 for the Rangers in the contest...
...Dale Hunter scored two goals for the Nordiques, who apparently loaded up on the poutine before their 5-3 win over the Penguins. Quebec actually showed up for once, killing off a two man advantage for a full two minutes in the third period. The Penguins were seen gorging on fucking Primanti Brothers sandwiches while they wondered openly if Darrin Thompson was going to cut off the flow of Iron City Beer to the locker room instead of worrying about winning games...
...The Whalers tenure of Billy Bob...who the fuck is this guy...Branzino...lasted all of one game. GM Rob O fired Branzino saying that he was the big fish in the organization, not Branzino. Rob then hired Bob Johnson to take over the reins. It didn't matter much, as Hartford fell 4-1 to Buffalo. The Whalers fell behind after just 35 seconds and never got back in it. Buffalo outshot Hartford 25-14 in the game. Ron Francis got his 3rd of the season shorthanded for the lone Whalers goal...
...After scoring two goals in the final minute against Vancouver Thursday night, the Blues offense was dormant for two plus periods again Friday. St. Louis trailed Minnesota 2-0 after Brian Bellows' 3rd of the year at 4:11 of the third period, only to erupt for three goals in the next 12 minutes to take a 3-2 win. Doug Gilmour got things started at 4:22 and assisted on the tying goal by Brian Sutter on the power play. It was Greg...Pasta Fazoli...er...Paslawski, with the winner at 15:52 of the third period...shit...
...The Leafs held three two goal leads but couldn't hold any of them in a 6-4 loss to Detroit. The Leafs led 2-0, 3-1 and 4-2 in the third period before giving up four straight goals to Detroit in a span of 6:19 from the midway point of the third on. John Ogrodnick scored twice, including the game winner at 15:11, to give the win to the Wings. Bob Probert logged just four minutes of ice time and spent two in the penalty box after arriving early through the second period. Probert was clearly intoxicated and reports circulated that he was detained by police after allegedly beating up two bar patrons and refusing to pay a hooker set up by GM Mike Forbes. Forbes was unavailable for comment, though Detroit police said Forbes was not a suspect at the moment...
...Troy Murray bagged the winner at 6:50 of the third period to give the Blackhawks a 2-1 win over the Flames, dousing Calgary's two game win streak to start the season. Dominik Hasek kicked out 27 shots and assisted on Chicago's first goal. John Tonelli had Calgary's only goal as John Vandownbytheriver...shit...Vanbiesbrouck stopped 26 shots in the loss. Thanks for fucking nothing Joe Mullen...
...The Jets jumped to a 2-0 lead with two goals 25 seconds apart against the Oilers. Unfortunately for Winnipeg, they forgot that NHL games are 60 minutes, not 6. Edmonton rattled off the next nine goals in a 9-2 rout, giving the fans at Northlands Coliseum something to look forward to...when the Oilers score at least 8 goals in a home game, fans can redeem their ticket stub for 25% off a happy ending at the Horny Ho Massage Parlor in addition to a dozen donuts from Tim Horton's. Jari Kurri had a hat trick for Edmonton, Mark Messier scored twice and Wayne Gretzky and Keith Crowder had three points each...
...That's the night's action...I'm A.J. Clemente for TSN...
*conversation heard in the background*
...What do you mean I'm fucking fired? Oooooh, you can't say FUCK on the air...well pardon me you fucking piece of shit...oh yeah...well...FUCK YOU! I wanted to work for fucking ESPN anyway, not this piece of shit organization!
*throws lapel mic down as the screen comes back up live*
We wish to apologize to our viewers for the obscenities uttered by former anchor A.J. Clemente during the last segment. Mr. Clemente has been fired from TSN and has been escorted from the building. We strive to bring you the best coverage of sports around the nation and the globe. Mr. Clemente's actions in no way, shape or form reflect those of this network or the personnel working on it...we know take you back to your regularly scheduled programming, already in progress...
...The Devils broke in to the win column with a 4-3 win over the Bruins. The Devils raced out to a 4-0 lead less than six minutes into the second period before the Bruins woke up and realized the fucking game started. Tony Tanti had two third period goals for the Bruins but it wasn't enough. Chris...how the fuck do you pronounce this shit...Terreri, had 26 saves in the win while Bill Ranford had 26 stops in the loss. Andy Moog, get off the blow and back on the fucking ice...
...Montreal got their first win by beating the Rangers 6-5 at Madison Square Garden. Chris Chelios scored twice for Montreal, including the game winner at 17:47 of the third period. Adam Oates scored twice for the Rangers in the loss. What the hell is this shit...Ramen Noodles...I mean Raimo Helminen had two goals for the Rangers too...Montreal fired 36 shots on net compared to 27 for the Rangers in the contest...
...Dale Hunter scored two goals for the Nordiques, who apparently loaded up on the poutine before their 5-3 win over the Penguins. Quebec actually showed up for once, killing off a two man advantage for a full two minutes in the third period. The Penguins were seen gorging on fucking Primanti Brothers sandwiches while they wondered openly if Darrin Thompson was going to cut off the flow of Iron City Beer to the locker room instead of worrying about winning games...
...The Whalers tenure of Billy Bob...who the fuck is this guy...Branzino...lasted all of one game. GM Rob O fired Branzino saying that he was the big fish in the organization, not Branzino. Rob then hired Bob Johnson to take over the reins. It didn't matter much, as Hartford fell 4-1 to Buffalo. The Whalers fell behind after just 35 seconds and never got back in it. Buffalo outshot Hartford 25-14 in the game. Ron Francis got his 3rd of the season shorthanded for the lone Whalers goal...
...After scoring two goals in the final minute against Vancouver Thursday night, the Blues offense was dormant for two plus periods again Friday. St. Louis trailed Minnesota 2-0 after Brian Bellows' 3rd of the year at 4:11 of the third period, only to erupt for three goals in the next 12 minutes to take a 3-2 win. Doug Gilmour got things started at 4:22 and assisted on the tying goal by Brian Sutter on the power play. It was Greg...Pasta Fazoli...er...Paslawski, with the winner at 15:52 of the third period...shit...
...The Leafs held three two goal leads but couldn't hold any of them in a 6-4 loss to Detroit. The Leafs led 2-0, 3-1 and 4-2 in the third period before giving up four straight goals to Detroit in a span of 6:19 from the midway point of the third on. John Ogrodnick scored twice, including the game winner at 15:11, to give the win to the Wings. Bob Probert logged just four minutes of ice time and spent two in the penalty box after arriving early through the second period. Probert was clearly intoxicated and reports circulated that he was detained by police after allegedly beating up two bar patrons and refusing to pay a hooker set up by GM Mike Forbes. Forbes was unavailable for comment, though Detroit police said Forbes was not a suspect at the moment...
...Troy Murray bagged the winner at 6:50 of the third period to give the Blackhawks a 2-1 win over the Flames, dousing Calgary's two game win streak to start the season. Dominik Hasek kicked out 27 shots and assisted on Chicago's first goal. John Tonelli had Calgary's only goal as John Vandownbytheriver...shit...Vanbiesbrouck stopped 26 shots in the loss. Thanks for fucking nothing Joe Mullen...
...The Jets jumped to a 2-0 lead with two goals 25 seconds apart against the Oilers. Unfortunately for Winnipeg, they forgot that NHL games are 60 minutes, not 6. Edmonton rattled off the next nine goals in a 9-2 rout, giving the fans at Northlands Coliseum something to look forward to...when the Oilers score at least 8 goals in a home game, fans can redeem their ticket stub for 25% off a happy ending at the Horny Ho Massage Parlor in addition to a dozen donuts from Tim Horton's. Jari Kurri had a hat trick for Edmonton, Mark Messier scored twice and Wayne Gretzky and Keith Crowder had three points each...
...That's the night's action...I'm A.J. Clemente for TSN...
*conversation heard in the background*
...What do you mean I'm fucking fired? Oooooh, you can't say FUCK on the air...well pardon me you fucking piece of shit...oh yeah...well...FUCK YOU! I wanted to work for fucking ESPN anyway, not this piece of shit organization!
*throws lapel mic down as the screen comes back up live*
We wish to apologize to our viewers for the obscenities uttered by former anchor A.J. Clemente during the last segment. Mr. Clemente has been fired from TSN and has been escorted from the building. We strive to bring you the best coverage of sports around the nation and the globe. Mr. Clemente's actions in no way, shape or form reflect those of this network or the personnel working on it...we know take you back to your regularly scheduled programming, already in progress...
